i am conscious i'm not able to write about new things. everything i do shows the bond, the dependence of my day to day living and my so very insipid meditations. there are a few things i would love to write about but somehow don't manage to get in this space... i'm beginning to think there is something really, really wrong, pathological even, about my way of understanding the happenings in life. but i cannot help to be what i've taught myself, i am compelled to analyze -not too efficiently, for it may hold the key to my disappointment-every second of my day, every "light brought by" by some useless cavilation on the bus, i need to feel as though i have a complete knowledge of what has happened in order to be able to accept what is to come. there is no need to show myself how extremely vulnerable i am to your eyes, and, it is quite contradictory that i sit here telling you about it when my purpose was -and will still be- to hide it from you, from me. i've been thinking that this past year has been full of wonderful surprises, and yet, none of them were surprinsing at all; i thought it was just plain apathy, or lack of attention (what is usually called a "short attention spand"), but now i understand that within these walls of flesh and feel, there is more to be expected that what is normally considered rational intuition. and because of this i know i am frail and full of some illusive hope, i am full of expectations at a not so subcontious level:: i am beginning to believe there is nothing else than what i can expect from the world, and that, evidently is a very sad thing to "have in mind". i cannot hope to be different, i cannot hope for things to be something else, for i am not able to be surprised... i must do as i did on that amazingly gratifying day [september 13th], just let myself get swept off my feet by the joy of an intuition realized. again, there will no comments, because of my lack of consideration of the overt realities that this cybernetic community joiner holds for me to see...i am talking nonsense now, but isn't that what IT is all about? nonsense, THE word that holds the most sense of all.