there are things that should not be and somehow are, there are others for which we strive and frustrate and curse the world for being unfair and irrational for letting them be, and still, the world may end and this will be all there will ever be. i must say i'm more frightened by the idea of causality than anything else right now. and though i believe it to be most accurate, i can't seem to pull myself together and face the irrevocable fact that i am not in control of anything, for this has always been meant to be, i am struggling against my will to stay oblivious, i am fighting my desire to stay ignorant ( for i believed ignorance is bliss) i am staying in this misinterpreted inertial mode. and this has come to me before and i have turned my face away, and this has been a motivation i have emphatically denied, and this has been my essence and i have run from it as though i am not interested in being what i crave. these are my cravings, my intended fallacies, my unspoken desires... these are the things i dare not say to myself. but this is my inertial mode: negligence, forgetting me, accepting this deteriorated ego as my own, screaming in riddles i have designed for my own repression, being what i have been: the lack of me in this worked up system of perpetual stillness. am i to change? am i to become what i've been denied by myself? am i to question my illusion's? am i to stop or to run [cfr. www.hotashesfortrees.blogspot.com] ? to run.... to run out of me?
i think i may be ready to consider a change in the appreciation of the sense [not at all meaning] of "inertial mode". things must never change... but the understanding of such things, the associated descriptions (hehehe) of a proper name such as "inertial mode" may vary due to the acquisition of a proper understanding of the implications that sense necessarily carries... as of today i am what i can understand by my definition, as of today i must comprehend all aspects taken for joke, as of today, hesitation will become a guidance more than burden. as of of today i will struggle for my own preservation.