the time for being in my company has come to an end.__while there are things i am sure to become, most of them i do not wish to acknowledge, most of them i wish not to recognize as myself.__in this space i am only mine, whomever that may be, and though my feel of this blank space may be only what i crave and not what i have, i am pleased to know that time does not go by in vain by necessity.
i'm afraid to say many things, to feel many more, to be able to know within me those things my eyes can only tell; i'm afraid i will have to let myself go, i will have to grow, i will have to leave, i will have to stick to my self-administered dose of tortures.__is this really what i wanted? has it been nearly as much as i had hoped it would be? certain questions are not meant to be answered, are not meant to be asked.__certain things must not be allowed inside of my head, my pounding, aching, swollen head.
every day the same question arises.__i cannot do more than ask myself to answer to the beliefs of destiny and purpose and meaning; and as i struggle to answer in a somewhat satisfactory way, the question strikes me as does fear.__maybe i'm not living as a should, or as i would want to in different states of affairs; maybe i have made a wrong choice or taken a wrong turn on purpose as to distract myself off the obvious path that i have drawn.__i should learn to walk in my footsteps.__i should find them first, or, at least, not try to lose sight of them deliberately.
i wish i had done what was made out for me and not lose track of myself in this uncertainty.