:: hush ::
there are things not meant to be spoken of.__most of my life and perspectives are not meant to be spoken of, that is probably why i have so much trouble while being in contact with verbal -spoken- expression, maybe it is the reason why i won't give way to my cavilations in voiced intercourse.__and this always happens, i speak and tremble whilst doing so, and i cross my arms and lower my eyebrows and take my eyes out of focus and divert and explore and shiver and shake and stop all of a sudden and then turn away with somehow meaningless words.__i should not speak and should not try to do all those things that this path evidently presupposes and demands, i should not be here spreading my overwhelming stupidity, denouncing my lack of attention for important matters, my fear and vulnerability in front of those colored crystal capsules.__i've felt how my self-trust vanished while speaking, my dark reminiscence of past chaos become vivid, become frightengly present, become my only possible experience as of now.__and how disappointed i am of myself, and how sad and rage-driven i feel now for enunciating those words, those memories that i once hoped would turn to nothing; "it is better to be silent and seem stupid than to speak and prove it".
but this blog, as my many notebooks, is a way of being not at all me, not at all write, not at all speak, not at all fear, not at all hear myself.__this certain kind of anonymity is somehow freshening, somehow threatening, obvioulsy pathetic, as all things concerning myself are.__ i now remember a post once written "these are rather troublesome times", all my life is a troublesome time... i dare not be myself while being with me, i dare not speak while i am with someone, i dare not see eyes when i listen, i dare not write when i feel there would be nothing in the world that could bring more pleasure and ease.__i cannot draw anymore, i cannot sleep anymore, i could never cry but i suddenly crave doing so, i cannot tell between my egos, i cannot stop hesitanting.
srguillot: you are right, there seems to be no sense in my studying philosophy... i have been thinking about that for a very long time now.
amanda: you were always right, i was not made for this.
aranta: you were dead, i don't recall when or how you came back.
coming in through my ears::Don't drink the water/Dave Mathews Band ft. Alanis Morissette