:: What is shown ::
i've never been to London, but oh how i wish i had._i've never been to Madrid either, nor Tokyo, nor Berlin, nor Regensburg, nor Frankfurt._i've never been to New York, Boston nor Chicago._i've never been anywhere but here, just here, a dynamic here, true, but still, just here._what seems to happen, seems to do so in another location, manifesting itself through a different mattress of time-space.
perhaps it is not really as bad as i would hate hoping it was, but all those things happening outside of my reach can so easily vanish without my knowing or necessary hurting, that it seems frustrating -to say the least- to simply be here, being me, not another, not there._ j. was writing recently about deaths, those one cannot see if they're not shown; it scares me terribly to have to acknowledge the incredible amount of truth -whatever that may mean- in his words._while the world dies, while those far away live their lives, or end them, or turn them around, i am here, merely here, sitting here, complaining about my being here._and while those unknown deaths, un-important deaths for that, may represent the extreme case in which the lack of connection between us here, or just me here, and those there, they are not what worries me most.
for my german course i had to write a little something about friendship; with my ever so limited vocabulary and scarce notions of what is grammatically correct i managed to scrabble a couple of pages._friendship is a hard thing to talk about, namely because those i consider to be my friends
have a tendency to not be here._i have few friends of my own; i have several problems with letting people in, those that do not disappoint me are disappointed by me, and, those that manage to get in and stay don't really stay for long._the brief text was about how my friends are far away; they're not really so far away, we talk, or whatever comes closest to doing so, but still, i miss out on a big part of what it means for them to be them._i wonder if it is not me who is far, seeing that all of them have their lives in their places, without me in them._just thinking that all i have of them is what is showed saddens me, a whole lot.