:: artistic anatomy july 12 ::
i have now enough courage to understand that i am not, by any means, the best at what i do. a while back, such an acknowledgment would have certainly devastated my self-trust, and along with it, my self-esteem. now it doesn't matter quite as much that i cannot draw better or as good as my classmates, it doesn't really make a difference whether or not i'll be known for any skills i might have. for now, it seems only important that i am learning, that my pulse is becoming a little more controlled, that my line will someday be somehow more fluid and elegant and that i now do what i do, simply because i do it.
i had only once drawn a living model; i was stuck copying images derived from my own head, believing that they came from a kind of knowledge of how things were supposed to look like. the truth is that, despite the amount of knowledge that one may have of how things should look like, the way things actually are and how they actually appear before one, is a whole different deal. now, it seems, i must learn how to look, how to see, observe, watch or whatever other verb might be thought of for expressing the act of capturing light through -or with- the eyes and giving it form. i have to learn to see what is seen.
the first class was a little odd. we were introduced to the model and asked to draw her in the pose that she held, caring for details of composition and a general coherence of the drawing. while some have it in them to draw very easily, to translate into lines what their brain has already translated into forms, some of us have to struggle with graphite and whitened cellulose in order to make something necessarily different from the model into a similarity, we find it hard to play demiurges. the teacher, who everyone calls "master" said that we had built our drawings as cheap architects do: we start detail by detail and then move on from one part to the next without caring for connection. the next exercise was then to build a picture starting from the structure, the external structure, the frame of the figure. we took measurements and established proportion, angle and position and proceeded to draw. i found it hard, so very hard to get it right. as i watched what was coming into existence by means of my hands my heart became heavy and i became filled with a sorrow i cannot yet explain. i expected more of myself; but, then again, i now know that not much is to be expected, not quite yet.