recent theological discussions have brought back memories of a time when i trusted all to be in order, all to be set out in ways that, despite my lack of understanding of them, were entirely planned out and controlled along the way. this trust in how things are supposed to be made life somehow easier -while not at all less painful. i've lost my trust; i've lost the certainty and the feeling of security that it once brought. now i stand almost by myself forced to face this incredible chance of being something entirely different from what i've always knew me to be, facing it with somewhat of a contradictory impulse towards it. i don?t exactly know why i refuse to let myself dive head first into this; it is as though i was too scared to rest assured that all things will be for the best. i am so very scared; and yet, so exhilarated i cannot tell today from tomorrow.
coming in through my ears:: I want my baby back//Stevie Wonder