:: distorted ::
this kind of uncertainty is quite astonishing; i find myself being scared most of the time, of a great number of different things. while i try to discover exactly where it all ought to begin and end, a shiver keeps going up and down my spine, as if i were about to collapse into the ground, as i've done a couple of times in the past. it may be just too much to handle at once; then again, there may not be anything to handle at all.
i'm afraid my grandfather will die soon, while i am away. the one man i've praised and adored and refused to see as a mere mortal is soon to leave this place. i had tried so hard to evade thoughts of such an event for so long, that i can no longer remember the last time i was truly afraid of it happening. but now the terrible confirmation of how easily life can turn into its opposite makes me wonder if i was right to run away from considering it as it is, as it has always been and how it will always be
we all drift away with such ease that it seems difficult to remember times when all was different, when we all shared something i cannot now sense or describe. people just fade out into the background of my life; it has been so for ever. S is going away for good, i do not know why he chose to keep me away from his side, i don't know where i took a wrong turn, what i could've done to hurt him, to make him despise me. it's funny how it happens not only with him, but with most everyone. i hope he'll be happy, or at least well. i know now i don't have to think about all those that have left without leaving something behind of them for me; perhaps it is and was better that way. i'll leave too; and as they did, i'll chose with whom to leave a bit of myself behind.
coming in through my ears:: Disturbed synapses//Badmarsh & Shri