:: on a thursday afternoon ::
and then she found herself, just sitting there, as she had done so many times before. the smoke from that already stinking cigarrette crawled up her fingertips, making its way to her head, to her nostrils, once so small, once so frail. the image of the fire itself, consuming the small tobacco strands that minutes back she had carefully rolled up in a little cillinder was something that would forever prevail in her memory. there was something mesmerizing about it all, something strangely seductive; as if the possibility of being reactive to the non-existent -or merely not evident- flame in the same fashion as that with which she poisoned herself were enough to make her believe that all would, in the end, be in order. she turned her head and smiled at that absent self, whispering a couple of words of such incalculable importance that they should remain unsaid. fixing her eyes upon that nothing she so valued, she made herself confess the greater sectrets of her soul, in a foreign languaje, so that not even herself could begin to understand what was here being said. but the truth was, and is still, that there were no ears present in that room filled with great white clouds of recently exhaled smoke to hear what she had for so long wanted to say. for years she had dreamt of a moment of great communion, of the realization of the high hopes all -including one of her many selves- had posited in her future. yet, the one thing about the future, the essential quality of it, so to speak, is that it is necessarily not present. and so she dreamt still, but just that, she just dreamt. one thousand billion conversations that were never to take place in her 'real' life invaded her little head; one, or two, or three pairs of eyes occupied her mind, as she kept on smiling and speaking for herself, but obviously not to herself. she could only think about that special something in those special kinds of eyes she had recently had the oportunity to give a name to; such a provisional name that had once been her own, but that there, so far from all she had known and dared to call hers, stuck to her mind with amazing strength. what was there to be said about those eyes she had fallen for way back as she was still the little creature filled with fear that with hard headedness had stayed unfaithful to what was always the way she knew she was to take. not much. no, not that much, aside from the testimony of that terrible pain, that in the form of a burning knot kept corroding through her stomach every single second that passed without those eyes filled with so much beauty one could never even begin to describe them. she focused once more on her cigarrette, now merely a couple of centimeters long, but still slowly vanishing due to the tiny flames she could not tell appart from the smoke. she was, after all, alone in that new home she had made for herself, still hoping she would once be heard, but letting herself not do much in favour of such a wish. her hands were already somewhat yellow, her skin had dried up and she had forgotten again to clip her fingernails. they appeared to be somehow more femenin in that almost decadent state; she wasn't really sure she liked that.
coming in through my ears:: hunter//Björk