:: grudges ::
i tend to hold grudges for very long periods of time._ i find it somehow too complicated to simply let go of things i could've once felt as painful or annoying; i know i have a great deal of trouble with the mere concept of forgiveness._ although i know that it is impossible to live without having the ability of forgiving, up till now, i have found it to be a much easier answer to isolate myself, to take distance from all those -and oh they are so many- with whom i would not be comfortable talking about those little impulses behind my eyes that make me at times have to decide between screaming and swallowing my tounge._ the thing is, to say it as simply as i can, i sometimes feel as betraying myself when i utter something like "it's alright", or "don't worry about it"._ i know i've never really meant it; sometimes the rage, or the pain, or the sadness fades away masked by the short lasting feeling of moral satisfaction, but in the end it always comes back to haunt me: in my dreams, in my imaginary conversations, in my drawings, everywhere._the faces of those i dare not look at for fear of thrusting a terrible stare show up everywhere, reminding me of how terrible it was for me not to let myself complain and explode and speak my mind and just tell them i could never ever begin to even forgive and forget the things done to me or someone else._but it is too highly valued, this unpleasant politeness, this almost too incomprehensible way of handling things, for me to be able to once let go and sit quietly, all to my self, without all those terrible ghosts of the past and the past to be._funny enough, i am one to beg for forgiveness all the time._ i somehow manage to get everything wrong, every single moment i screw up something, i hurt someone, i let my lack of attention and contemplation arise and show, i let myself be me, this horrid me._is it possible that there be someone really capable of forgiving? is it really really possible for someone to let go of rage and hate and pain and struggle? is it possilbe to become somehow become free through it? could i for once stop running?
coming in through my ears::Björk //Our Hands