:: swollen nose ::
i wonder why it is so easy to deceive one self into thinking that there's a simple way of figuring out what goes on behind one's eyes._the more i think about it, the more i know that there is not much to go around when facing the hard truth of being not entirely awoken to what is so clearly going on._ i wish i could tell myself otherwise, i wish i could once again begin believing that i am in control of what this "here" or "now" is; but control is not my strong suit; it has never been._how to stop myself from breaking down into the smallest pieces i can imagine? how to stop giving way to what i want not to be me?_i thought it was a matter of not pausing, of not ceasing to be for any given amount of time; i thought it was just a matter of staying on track, where ever that would lead me, of moving always with one foot in front of the other, eyes fixed on a future i believe to be there, but not in any determinate way._and i walk still, no idea as to where i'm headed, with eyes completely shut, thinking it to be the best, only to know that in my many moments of terrible weakness, i wake up to the truth of not having yet awoken, of being still immersed in a barely conscious state of mind._is it then a small pause what i need, despite not at all what i crave? has it finally become clear that i can't handle what is most definitely out of my reach? should i just stop trying to keep walking?_what can come of stillness?
coming in through my ears::Helter Skelter//The Beatles