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i have a huge problem managing time._it seems to me almost impossible to do things at the time they are supposed to be done; it's almost as if i had not yet understood the real meaning of measure-units._this is probably why i am the kind of person that spends her time making up for time lost, the kind that apologizes for faults instead of preventing herself from wrongdoing._my mind takes a while to catch up with my actions._and thought i am very much conscious of this thing being the case and deploring it being so, i seem to be unable to take a step towards the understanding of others within the limits of my own patterns of behaviour._ i judge too harshly mistakes -or what i take to be mistakes- and build up grudges that are not easily diluted, not easily torn apart._i fall prey to the tendency of making stories in my head which cover every possible contingency with some ill intention or planned out scheme of action; i tend to believe the worst in every case, but refuse to attribute to myself such motivations._for a long time i've become used to distorting my own first impressions in order to fit them into a greater picture that i somehow can control and understand._there is no space for loose ends within my made-up version of the world._actions, persons, facts, interpretations, versions, excuses, justifications, words, gestures -and the lack of all of the above- fit into strict categories, sometimes even overlapping to the demise of the very premise that supposes that that is the way to get a hold on what goes about._and so i sit here, writing this thing instead of what i should be writing, utterly unable to focus on the way to explain why feelings are good way of reaching into the character of the agent, and rather thinking about why it bothers me so much that the right solution to whatever brought on this mess was not given at the time it should; about why every single one of us was unable to make time for what was demanded.
i'll summarize what i think is the matter._a)a huge mistake was made when he asked for my essay._the dynamics of the contest itself suppose that organizers and contestants have no such interactions. b) it was a greater mistake on my part to accede to turning in such an essay, while in knowledge of it not being qualified to participate._the fact that i explicitly asked whether or not it was a problem if it was already published and assumed that the answer given made it alright to turn it in was indeed irresponsible on my behalf._i can read, i may not be very clever, but i can understand, at least, the terms and conditions of a contest. c) despite not having any intention of wining the contest, i should have not participated._at least, i should have made it even clearer that i was sending in a paper "for statistical purposes", meaning i expected it to be rejected at once, because of it having been already published.
i have no interest in being awarded a prize i do not deserve, i would want for myself to not be seen as someone that deliberately sought to skip the norm and take advantage of a system that supposes the integrity and honesty of both participants and organizers._but i cannot deny that i am responsible for what has happened and can do no more than take the blame._of course, i will not accept blame for cheating, for, according to the description of the action that includes what i knew of the matter and what i intended when acting, that is not the case._i renounce both to the prize and the mention, for having been less than intelligent in my acting._i regret not having spoken sooner.
there is, still, another side of things; one which i cannot so easily explain or solve -i cannot solve it at all, nor do i intend to, perhaps because i'm sure there is no solution to be reached._much harm was done that cannot be explained easily._ things should have been done and spoken about at the right time and in the proper manner; too much of passionate intervention was allowed into a dialogue that could've dissipated doubts, had it been unbiased by external factors._versions intertwined, making it ever more complicated to see what was really behind all this mess; the worse being the lack of humbleness to accept that mistakes were made and the attack -the preying upon, even- on those undeserving of mistreatment._ i've tried my best to stop my mind from making up stories that would end up in thinking about the people involved either as monsters or second-agenda-driven agents; i've tried to isolate the personal level._but i don't know if that can be done or if it should
be done._i have only partial bits of information; no matter how hard one tries to get to the core of things, one must always trust
whatever little information is given by others -i cannot supposed to be lied to all the time, that would not be fair to them, nor to me._the thing is, i cannot hope to be offered an apology, for, strictly speaking, nobody owes me
one._i am, nonetheless, disappointed by the fact that the real 'victim' of it all has not been given proper 'compensation'._it makes me think, only, that in the future, "disappointment" will be an inaccurate word to describe it, for i now believe that nothing much is to be expected from him.
coming in through my ears::Medúlla; Vespertine; Volta//Björk